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Inequivalent

So here I was, thinking about making you breakfast, waking up in the wee hours to send it to you before camp, planning for your birthday worrying about how and what i should do to make it a good 21st, how silly I was.

And now i think back about what you said, that you will be a better man for me, you will do more just to make me happier to give me what i was expecting so that you wont mess this up again, but honestly how much has changed? Everything is practically the same as before, i dont get much of anything that i was expecting for. Except maybe the smoking part which isnt even completely what i want.

I lowered my expectations so much thinking it was my fault to be expecting so much from your partner, but really when i look at other people, i just feel pathetic at what i am reduced to. Why does she get it so easily and effortlessly unlike me?

So what has changed? I still get this same shitty feeling because nothing has.

Why?

Somehow, I can't feel more positive and hopeful about us. Like every small tiny minor little bad thing can put down whatever happy and super sweet moment we had, and all I feel is that... This can't work. Why is this happening to me I was never like that, I was the most optimistic and cheery girl out there who never lost hope...

Maybe its because of that something about you that I cannot get over yet, or me being too insecure and selfish like a bitch.
I'm supposed to have faith in this but its so bloody hard ):
Wanna pose something so bad, to vent my frustration and translate all my agony into words but nothing seems to come to mind.



Guess I'm still better off alone, then I wouldn't be so sensitive and expect anything out of something.
I don't wanna be feel this way anymore ):

HEADACHE

Sometimes, idk whether to comfort myself that this is simply the way you are, that I should stop trying to change you or throw tantrums and just accept the way things are and tell myself these are all minor matters it doesn't matter i shouldn't get upset over it,





Or to think that you merely don't care too much about me.

The change is so huge, idk which is the correct choice anymore.
The only reason that allowed me to believe that the world is still beautiful has fallen apart
How can anything so perfect be lost...
Nothing good lasts

Read a book that says belief allows one to be more secure, because only then there will be an answer to every question
Maybe that's why I've always been so persistent with that belief, now idk anymore

I feel so helpless

Feb. 3rd, 2012

The true love that lies in between the peace and dullness;



But what would I choose?

Will you love with me forever?

Let's become an unforgettable song of the sky
So that even when we close our eyes and reminisce
We will not be exhausted anymore;









I love you Jae <3
And I'll always be your star

Pain

There are so many undone things, so many unfinished plans, so many unfulfilled wishes.

The watermelon made for me
The dried rose petals I've prepared
The parabola information for me
The window lock information
Showing you my hideous white shoes
Me in Bannister...

And so many more....


But they are gonna stay the way it is, all thanks to me.
But truthfully, I'm more scared of this 22 days period than anyone else.

Confusion

Although I knew it was a correct decision, it still hurts.
Hurts that I have to hurt someone so dear to me and hurts that I might be the one causing tears to the one best to me.

But then it seemed necessary, at this point in time when we should start to take a clear look both inside ourselves and at our surroundings, on the things wea re missing out on. 

Its time we search deeper into ourselves and understand what we are really experiencing and what we want.

Some might say that its easier to just stay in the relationship and see where its headed to eventually, but honestly will that bring us in the right direction and is that what we really want? And how long will that actually take, for the pathway to realisation to lighten up?

I'm so confused right now.

And it still hurts so much, to follow this decision, for having to hurt you.
I'm sorry darling.
Please give me some time.

Dilemma

Kept forcing myself to review the situation and come up with a conclusion
But at the end of the day, I'm just revolving around the same old question which has no solution to it






So what am I supposed to do?